I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
