i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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