It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
