I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
