wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
