why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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