I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
