the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This is my gift to your gina
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
