Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
These tits shall not be calmed
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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