someone threw a dead crab at me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
