bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
