So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
