I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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