maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
