Umm I'm too high to move.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
