Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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