We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
