herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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