Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
