I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
