my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
