i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
