your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
