This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize