just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
