I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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