I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
