Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
