Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize