sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
