my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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