Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize