I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
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