the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
