I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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