I want to make a zoo with you.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
