where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
