so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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