I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
