You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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