i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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