Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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