if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
