i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
