so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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