remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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