You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
