I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
