i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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