I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
