the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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