I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The air taste purple.
Randomize
