you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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