Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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