Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
pray to the hookup gods
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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